Heart of Ice, Soul of Stone
by Sailor Rei Star
Summary: Ami feels like she is hurting the Senshi more than helping them. Now, she is considering leaving them for good. Can she find a reason to hold on, or will the pressure and guilt finally consume her soul too? Rated T for some suicidal tension.
1. Signs of Things to Come

Ok. Hi all! Another story, but this one will have several chapters to it. Don't even think about stealing it. I know where you live. You just don't know it yet... All characters from the Sailor Moon series are not mine, but I worship Naoko Takeuchi for sharing her vision with us all.

Heart of Ice, Soul of Stone

Chapter 1 – Signs of Things to Come

"Mercury, I know you're busy, but I really don't think this thing is just gonna play around all day," Minako yelled over her shoulder as she prepared her next attack.

"I'm trying to hurry, Venus, but this is a lot harder than it looks! My computer is sorting through its DNA right now. It may be another 2 or 3 minutes," Ami answered, frustration clear in her voice.

"If we last that long!" Makoto sarcastically chimed in. "We can barely see it long enough to aim."

This particular youma had a nasty little habit of instantaneously becoming a goo-like mass that could travel along the ground faster than its real form. Its real form is what had caught them off-guard. Normally, the monster looked perfectly human, strangely dressed maybe, but human. Well, they lived in Tokyo after all. You get used to the bizarre fashions.

Ami couldn't seem to get used to these youma. When the Senshi had reached the park, Ami's scanner had read that the youma's presence was no more than 50 feet away. And today, of course, would be the day of a festival, so the youma blended in perfectly with its near floresant green getup. It attacked the Senshi head on before any of them had a chance to prepare, and it left Ami with no opportunity to even try to locate it.

Rei had been the first to recover and retaliate. But the youma had been ready, and with one good energy blast sent Rei into a tree, unconscious. Minako and Makoto were trying their best to hold it off while Ami's scanner was processing. Since she hadn't fully analyzed it, Ami had advised Usagi to stay back, which see was impatiently doing so by Rei's side.

"How's it coming, Ami-chan?" Usagi whispered. She was becoming increasingly uneasy about their situation, especially while kneeling by her unconscious best friend.

"I'm trying the best I can, Sailor Moon, but my computer has never seen a being like this. It seems to not have any bone structure. Its skin is nearly 20 stronger than that of us--," Ami answered.

Just as Ami was trying to explain her findings, the youma got bored playing cat and mouse. It was going for the kill.

"Venus Love Chain…"

"Jupiter Thunder Crash…"

It aimed at Venus and Jupiter, and shot out 2 globs of the sticky substance its skin was made of. One glob got Minako by her hands and tied them together as if she was hand-cuffed. The other patch got Makoto in her right leg and was somehow expanding and traveling up her leg and across to her left. Makoto frantically tried blasting the goo off her with lightning blasts, but only dispersed the muck farther around her legs and torso. Minako, on the other hand, was completely out of commission with her hands tied.

"Mercury! Look! We have to do something!" Usagi yelled to her panicked comrade. "Tell me where to attack it. I'm ready to get this over with."

"Sailor Moon, if we're not careful, we'll be over with! I…I…We can't attack yet. Its skin will repel all of our attacks. Wait for the computer!" Ami tried to calm herself long enough to get out her sentences, but she too realized how bad the situation was getting to be.

Usagi was first to realize that the youma was now heading toward them. If the youma attacked now, Ami didn't have enough time to brace herself, and Rei could be killed with another blow. She took off running in the other direction, taunting the youma into following her. The youma first ran up to Ami and spoke directly to her face.

"And what are you? Their cheerleader?"

Ami sat dumbfounded. She couldn't seem to get her body to catch up with her brain.

"Over here tall, dark, and stupid!" Sailor Moon screamed to the youma.

Offended, the youma shot out small bursts of goo directly in front of where Usagi was running. She tried to evade them, but ended up with the bottom of her left boot stuck in goop. The youma slowly moved from Ami to the sweating Usagi.

"Beep! Beep! Beep!" Ami's computer and visor suddenly started making noise. The visor was finally showing Ami where a weakness was located.

"Sailor Moon! Aim for the youma's diaphragm. It's the only place that's vulnerable!" Ami screamed as quickly as she could.

"I'm failing Biology, Mercury! In plain Japanese, please!" Usagi yelled back, even more frantically. The youma was still marching toward her.

"Oh, for the love of…! Its stomach! Hit it right above its stomach!" Ami yelled.

"You could have just said that," Usagi said under her breath. "Moon Healing Escalation!"

The blast hit the youma dead on, and made it start to gush out another, more liquid substance. Ami immediately took it for the creature's blood.

"You may have gotten one hit in, but remember: I'm still alive," the youma got out between chuckles. It slowly began to fade into the sky. For as much as the Senshi didn't want to believe it, they all had the feeling that their new "friend" would be back soon.

As soon as it left, the muck that had been attacking Makoto and Minako disappeared and left them sprawled in a tired heap. Usagi too was unstuck and feel to her knees, glad to be done with all the excitement. Ami was the only one that was still tense, but she tried to not show that to the others.

"I need to check out Rei-chan. It looks like her head is what hit the tree the hardest. If she needs more medical attention, then we need to find out fast before she has irreversible damage," Ami said as calmly as possible.

"Where do we take her?" asked Minako. "We don't want to move her too much either, in case she has broken bones."

"I agree," replied Ami. "In that case, let's take her back to my house. It's the closest place to here, and if she is really that bad off, the hospital is only 3 minutes away."

The Senshi all detransformed, and took Rei's transformation pen so she could get out of her fuku too. The group proceeded to carefully lift Rei up and got her to Ami's house as fast as they could. When they got there, Ami opened the door and let everyone in. They put Rei down in Ami's bed, and Ami came in the room with a home medical kit that her mother had from the hospital and started to survey the damage.

"My mother won't be home until tomorrow night," she explained, "so if anyone wants to stay here for the night, you can. And someone should call Rei-chan's grandpa and tell him that Rei-chan won't be home tonight."

Usagi and Minako went to the living room to call their parents and tell them they were staying the night at Ami's. Makoto got to work in the kitchen and started making the girls pasta and baked a cake for Usagi. Minako suggested that Usagi use her Luna Pen to disguise her voice to sound like Rei's, and then call her grandpa so he won't worry. Ami finished looking over Rei and decided to go and give the other 3 a report.

"Rei-chan's gonna be fine!" she started. Everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief. "She's got a good sized bruise on the back of her head, and she's probably gonna be very sore for a day or 2, but other than that, nothing's broken. She just needs to get a good night's sleep."

"Good to hear, Ami-chan," Usagi replied. The girls then settled in to eat their dinner. The lasagna was gone in a few minutes. Everyone was hungry from the strenuous activity of earlier that day. Around dessert, Makoto began to notice something was wrong with Ami.

"Ami-chan, you hardly touched your cake, and you only had one plate of lasagna. Is there something wrong?" Makoto whispered to Ami.

"I'm fine, Makoto-chan," Ami answered. "I'm just very tired. We should probably get to bed."

"O.K. Where do you want all the dishes, Ami-chan?" Minako asked.

"Don't worry about it tonight, guys. I think all of us are too tired to do anything about cleaning up. I'll get you all some blankets and sleeping bags. Are you sure that you'll be fine in the living room?"

"We'll be fine. Where will you be?" Usagi asked. "Aren't you gonna get some sleep?"

"I will, but first, I need to work on uploading a new version of my computer that Luna gave me. Then I'll check on Rei again," Ami answered, fatigue showing through her normally happy eyes.

After everyone was situated in their spots, Ami went back to her room, where she knew she'd be working feverously for the rest of the night. She didn't want to worry anyone, but she was still scared from what had happened earlier. Her computer had never taken so long to get its calculations done, and that had cost them all precious time. To make matters worse, she hadn't finished that program download before she got the call from Minako to meet them in the park. Ami's grades had been consistently dropping in school, not very noticeable to anyone except Ami herself. All the stress had caught up to her, and now it was hard for her to sleep the whole night through without the fear of another sudden attack.

Ami, for the first time in her career as a Senshi, was beginning to question her capabilities as a soldier. She was in no way the strongest, fastest, or bravest. But Ami was the brains, and that was why she was still there. They needed her to run the computer. But is that it? Could that possibly be the only reason that she is a Sailor Senshi? Was she becoming… obsolete? If the enemies continued to get more advanced, would she be able to keep up? The realization that she could cause harm to come to her friends was weighing Ami's spirit down. Now even the girls had started to notice her change in moods. And the thought of her friends possibly dieing because of her was starting to drive Ami to a point of madness.

"Would they be better off without me?" Ami wondered to herself as a silent tear rolled down her check and landed on her hand that grasped her transformation pen with a sudden desperation.

--------End Chapter 1

This chapter will have most of the action. Now on to what I do best, DRAMA! If you liked (or didn't) please review. Look out for the next chapter soon!

Sailor Rei Star


	2. Who's Kidding Who

Hi there! Before I begin, I want to dedicate this chapter to everyone who's read one of my stories or reviewed my work. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. Here is the continuing story of the most under-appreciated Senshi, Sailor Mercury. Don't even think about stealing it. I know where you live. You just don't know it yet... All characters from the Sailor Moon series are not mine, but I worship Naoko Takeuchi for sharing her vision with us all.

Heart of Ice, Soul of Stone

Chapter 2 – Who's Kidding Who?

Ami's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of rustling sheets behind her. She turned around and saw Rei groggily waking up, trying to sit up and get a sense of where she was. Ami rushed to the bedside to help.

"Rei, don't try to get up so fast! You need to rest," Ami tried explaining.

"What happened? Where's Usagi-chan!" Rei asked even as she was starting to panic.

"Calm down for a minute so I can explain," Ami replied while helping to prop up Rei in the bed. She pulled up her chair from her computer desk and sat it next to the bedside.

"The youma threw an energy blast at you and knocked you out. Sailor Moon got a hit in, but the youma still got away. I think it may come back soon. After it left, everyone started worrying about you, so we brought you here, to my house. I've already checked you over, and the only bruises you have are on your right shoulder and a fairly big one in the back of your head. There was no concussion, but just the same, you've got to take it easy, at least for a few days."

"Oww. That explains the drums playing while you're talking. Did anyone else get hurt?"

"Minako-chan got a scrap on her knee, but no one was hurt anymore than that."

"Good to hear…" Rei yawned while her eye lids where sliding closed.

"Wait, Rei-chan! I still need to check you again. Try opening your eyes again, just so I can get a good look. I promise it will be 5 seconds."

"Okey-dokey." Another yawn came from Rei's mouth. After, Ami gently pried Rei's eyes open and used a small flashlight from her medical kit to look for abnormalities.

"Well, you're still alive," Ami said with a hint of playfulness in her voice.

Rei's eyes got a little wider at her friend's comment. "Thanks, I think. That's good to know." With one more long yawn, Rei snuggled back into the bed and nodded off to sleep again. Ami brought out one of her comforters and tucked it around Rei. She moved her chair back to her desk across the room. It was a good 3 hours before she took off her visor long enough to look at the clock.

'2:30 in the morning!' she wondered to herself. 'At this rate, I really will be all night—and morning—to get this program working. Ami set herself back to the task of managing the 1's and 0's on her computer screen.

'Why couldn't Luna and Artemis find an easier way to upload technology…?' And with that, Ami feel into a trance looking at the numbers flash across the screen, numbers that not long ago were her calling, her safety net. She thought back at her first couple of days at high school. She remembered how both the kids and teachers would complement her and praise her vast knowledge on anything from Algebra to Physics to Greek Mythology. Ami didn't regard herself a genius, but she knew without a doubt, that her school work had been her life, and she worked harder than any of her peers to maintain her grades.

Ami's dream had always been to become a doctor, just like her mother before her. Something about the thought of saving people on death's door thrilled Ami, and she knew that she was completely capable of handling the pressure of any general practitioner or that of a surgeon. Ami had grown up long before her time. Her mother was kind and had given Ami everything, but the girl had practically raised herself. Her mother worked long hours, and she only saw her father at her birthday and New Years. Generally, he would stay a few days, paint with her, and then be off. (1) She was sure that she could handle herself. What she wasn't sure of was whether she could handle being an A student, a Sailor Senshi, and… just be Ami.

'The real question now is: who is Mizumo Ami? Am I just a student, or am I really Sailor Mercury?' Ami was confusing herself now. Some defender of the Princess she was. She can't even figure out "who she is"! Most people would take her for a candidate for the funny farm. All these thoughts were rushing through Ami's brain. She felt like someone inside was suffocating her. Through her discomfort and bewilderment, Ami set her head on her desk and fell into an uneasy and restless sleep.

---Dream---

Ami found herself in a dark room. She was transformed as Sailor Mercury. A voice came out of nowhere and boomed in her ear.

"What are you, their cheerleader? Why don't you fight me? I know you're scared, but I didn't know how pathetic you really are. Can't you even put up some sort of fight? No, you can't, because you're weak. You're not even worthy to be compared to those other air heads you call companions. I could win against them any day, but you are not even worth the time! How much did you pay them so that they would allow you on their "team"? My god! You really are worthless! YOU'RE WORTHLESS!"

"No! I am not worthless! My friends care about me!"

"Then why aren't they here? Did they abandon you, or did you make them leave?"

Ami began to see bodies appear on the ground. She was shocked to see all the other Senshi lying on the ground. They weren't moving.

The yama addressed Ami one more time. "Well, what happened here? You let them die. You killed them!"

---End Dream---

"Ami-chan, are you awake? Ami-chan, please wake up!" Rei shook Ami's body, trying to wake her from the nightmare that was obviously getting to be too much for Ami. "Ami-chan!" Rei whispered loudly in Ami's ear one more time.

"NO!" Ami screamed out, eyes suddenly shooting open. She swiveled her head around the room, looking for the youma from the previous day, the one that had penetrated into her nightmares. She was instead greeted by Rei's worried and sympathetic face. Only then did Ami realize she was gasping for breath and had broken into a cold sweat.

"Rei-chan, I'm so sorry. Did I wake you?"

"No. It's almost 5. I am already used to waking up at this time to get dressed before I do chores for grandpa. I woke up and saw you mumbling to yourself in your sleep. You started getting louder, and I got worried," Rei's face formed a smile in an attempt to sooth Ami. "You should lie down and get some more sleep."

"I'd like to, but I really need to get my computer updated before—," Ami trailed off, a noticeable concern, maybe even a look of fear came over her face. Even Rei was able to discern what her look meant.

"Ami-chan, it can't hurt us now. We'll be ok as long as we stick together…" Rei pointed to herself, "And if we don't charge the damn thing like some idiot did that we all know!" Ami looked up at her friend and smiled. She felt so much more relieved after Rei's attempt to cheer her up. They both laughed at the joke. "Please, Ami-chan, get some sleep. I'll wake you up in a few hours, ok?"

Ami yawned silently, realizing that Rei was right. She was in desperate need of sleep. She still felt concerned and bewildered by the nightmare, but necessity won out over fear. Ami moved toward the bed in a gesture of acknowledging that she was going to rest. She got into the bed and drew up the covers that Rei had been using.

"Grandpa won't be expecting me for another few hours. I think I'll go make breakfast. It may be early, but Usagi-chan can eat even when she's sleeping. I've seen it; it's pretty gross!" Rei made a face of playful disgust to emphasize her last point. "I'll wake you up as soon as everyone else is up too. I promise!"

"Well, ok, just for like 2 hours though. I have to finish—"

"I know! I know, and you will."

Ami closed her eyes and feel asleep. When Rei saw Ami's steady breathing, she reached into her jeans pocket and took out an anti-evil ward. She quickly and quietly recited the ritual prayer with her eyes closed, then placed the ward at the foot of the bed. (2) Rei didn't want to concern Ami anymore, but she had also felt a disturbing aura when Ami had had her nightmare. If the force was being caused by an enemy, Rei wasn't going to take any chances that it would come and attack Ami in her sleep again. She took one more look around the room, as if to search for any signs of evil, exited the room, and closed the door behind her.

Usagi, Makoto, and Minako were still asleep in the living room. Rei moved around them to get to the kitchen and saw that there were still some dishes out that needed to be washed. She began cleaning out of habit, but her mind traveled to the battle of the day before. She went over the youma's movements in her mind, studying the timing, and fluidity of its attacks. What confused Rei the most was that Ami was so worried about this particular youma. They had been up against the wall more times that she could remember, but they had always won by sticking together. So why did Ami get so shaken up? Rei had never been the emotional one, so she wasn't the best one to ask. Usagi and Minako were sweethearts, but Ami may need someone more tactful to discuss this with. Rei decided to ask Makoto if she would talk to Ami and see if she would say what had been bothering her.

"Is it morning yet?..."

"Well speak of the devil! I was just thinking about you," Rei greeted a very groggy Makoto. The taller girl stretched and yawned in her ritual way of starting a new day. Rei's look changed to that of a more serious nature, and her tone became slightly harsher and softer. "I've got a favor to ask of you."

"Sure, whatever you need, just ask," Makoto looked her friend in the eye and tried to read her expression. Rei never was one to ware her emotions on her sleeve, but her close friends had learned that when Rei meant business, they should listen carefully.

"I need you to talk to Ami-chan. I'm… worried about her…" Rei struggled for the right words. "I don't know how to explain it, but something about yesterday has her frustrated. Not just the battle; it's something deeper. I just figured that since you two go to school together and are pretty close, that you should be the one to ask her what's wrong."

"I didn't want to ask her last night, but I definitely noticed that too. Did you sense anything else? I mean, are we in any immediate danger?"

"I don't think so, not now anyways. The one we should be worried about is Ami-chan. I looked in her eyes and saw something deep in them. She's hurting from something and I don't know what."

"Rei-chan, yesterday, I saw something too. She was desperate. We all saw you knocked out, but more than anyone else, there was panic on her face. It was like she froze. And when the youma got in her face—"

Rei cut her off. "What do you mean?"

"The youma got right up close to her and said, almost whispered something to her. I couldn't hear, but that got her even more uptight. Ami-chan has looked so tired lately. I'm wondering if yesterday really did her in. Minako-chan and Usagi-chan know something's wrong too. Even they tried not to be so bouncy last night. I think we're all trying to stay calm for Ami-chan."

"Good, that's probably the best thing we could do. She needs us to be strong for her right now. I don't think she'll be able to keep going at her pace without some help. She already amazes me with her school work and, shall I say, 'extra curricular activities'."

"Oh, you mean being a vigilante!" Makoto laughed.

"You know what I mean, Makoto-chan!" Rei retorted.

"Yes, I understand. I'll stay behind today and talk to her. I've got nothing better to do but clean my apartment, so I'd be happy for the interruption."

---Later that morning---

Ami woke up promptly at 7:30. She entered the kitchen to see 4 very happy girls who were chomping down on waffles and muffins. Usagi was quite a sight with bits of syrup dripping down her normally clean, rosy cheek. Ami couldn't help but have a smile as she sat down by her friends.

"What's the story, Morning Glory!" Minako brightly greeted Ami with her hello and a huge smile on her face.

"Uh… g'morning." Ami answered as she picked up a fork for her waffles. Everyone sat in silence for a moment, every once in a while glancing at Minako in confusion. Ami was the first to speak. "I'm not sure what I think about that greeting…"

"Personally, I'm regretting it," (3) Minako replied. The table snickered at their clumsy friend.

After breakfast, the girls washed up and got dressed. Usagi, Minako, and Rei explained that their family would be expecting them home soon, and said their good byes. After one last "thank you" and bow to Ami for letting them stay the night, they took their leave. Makoto offered to help clean house with Ami before her mom got home that night.

"Ami-chan, I've wanted to ask you something," Makoto tried to break the ice with Ami while they were working in the living room. "Are you really ok about yesterday? You seemed so distraught last night, and I just want to make sure you're ok."

"Well Makoto-chan, to be honest with you, I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm just trying to take life one day at a time and see what happens." Ami gave her best, most sincere smile to her best friend. She really wanted to show Makoto that she was ok, or maybe, Ami was trying to convince herself.

"I want you to know, Ami-chan, that we are all here for you. Everything will be alright as long as we're together."

"I know, Makoto-chan, and thank you for caring about me," Ami answered.

'Who am I kidding, Makoto-chan,' Ami thought to herself. 'I'm terrified. Life is taking hold of me and dragging me to… I don't know where. Who's kidding who? I'm becoming weaker. Even I can see that now, and I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know…'

---End Chapter 2---

1 – yes. Ami does have a mom and dad. If you're looking for some good info about the Senshi of Ice, head to "The Sailormercury Shrine of Water"

2 – No one really knows the extent of the power in Rei's wards, but I believe that they could be used to ward off evil, even in dreams.

3 – This is more of an inside joke. I love the books Azumanga Daioh, and this is from the series' 3rd manga, 39th page, panel titled "Failure". The dialogue between Ami and Minako is verbatim from this comic strip. NOTE: I don't own anything of Kiyohiko Azuma's work either.

Thanks again! Sailor Rei Star


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